Tad: All right, now, guys, take it easy. Take it easy. I know how this looks. I do. There's a dead man on the floor with a gun next to him. But -- but if you check the gun, ok, officer, and you take a look at that wall over there, somewhere you're going to find a slug from the only bullet that was fired. Ok? We thought he was hit, but he wasn't, see, because we were struggling over the gun --
Dixie: Tad?
Tad: No, it's all right. I got this one, I got this one. See, it -- I am not some kind of cross-dressing pervert/ax murderer, ok? The fact is I am in the federal witness protection program down in the United States, and the FBI agent who's in charge of my case, he sent my wife and I here, see, on this romantic weekend. Yeah, well -- it was just kind of a last-minute addition. Anyway, the man on the floor -- he's a c that was trying to kill me.
Dixie: Honey, please --
Tad: Well, he was. He was out of his mind because he was convinced, see, that I had killed his son. But I hadn't, which is why I was in the federal witness protection program in the first place, ok? Anyway, he tracked us down here. The man comes through the door, has got a gun. He's threatening me and my wife, right, so we're struggling over the gun. And it's the damnedest thing because, you see, he must've had some kind of heart attack or an aneurysm or something because -- well, he just kind of keeled over. Boom, that was it, over and done. See, look, there's no blood anywhere. No bullet wound, that's it. And that's when you guys came in.
Tad: Anything else you need to know?

[TV plays]

Man: Louise, I know this must come as a surprise to you.
Louise: To me? To who else, Colin? We're engaged to be married.
Colin: And I take that very seriously.
Louise: But you're leaving me.
Colin: Ingrid needs me in a way that you never did.
Louise: Tell me how to make you happy. Tell me what you need.
Colin: I'm sorry. I thought --

[TV turns off]

Greenlee: What?
Jake: Hi.
Greenlee: I hate you.

Laura: I'm sorry.
Leo: Don't apologize. It was great. Can I get you a juice or something?
Laura: Leo, I know it wasn't great, and I know that you've had better in bed.
Leo: Laura, please. Don't, ok? Just don't.

Adam: Winifred? Winifred, for crying out loud, where are you? It's like church on a Monday around here. Where the hell is everybody? Ryan.
Ryan: Yes?
Adam: What the hell are you doing?
Ryan: Well, I was just kind of making myself at home.
Adam: Upstairs?
Ryan: Yeah. You know, I've never been up there before. Whew. You have got a lot of rooms. Yours in particular is massive. But, you know, what else would the king of the world deem fit for whatever it is --
Adam: Did Liza come home? You sneaking lowlife. Were you with my wife again? In my house, in my own bedroom?

Jake: Well, it's nice to see you, too, Honey.
Greenlee: Don't take it personally.
Jake: Well, I walk into my own apartment, find it looking like some parents' nightmare of what it would be like to live with a disgruntled teenager, and you tell me that you hate me?
Greenlee: I mean, I don't just hate you, Jake. I hate all men.
Jake: Oh. Well, that -- ok, see, that's much more rational.
Greenlee: I'm going to move some island in the middle of freaking nowhere where there are no men and, frankly, no women either because that would just be way too complicated.
Jake: So, basically, you want to be Tom Hanks and a volleyball?
Greenlee: At least the volleyball wouldn't talk back.
Jake: If you were lucky. So what are you doing, watching some love story on cable? That's usually enough to turn my mom into a crying jag, too.
Greenlee: I'm not in a crying jag. And don't go getting all Neanderthal on me like all women are emotional and cry at the drop of a hat when they're watching movies with men and women breaking up. Just back off!
Jake: Just hang on a second here.
Greenlee: I thought you were at some medical conference.
Jake: Well, as a matter of fact, I did. Now I'm back, ready to go. You don't mind that, do you? Something happen while I was gone? Nothing, huh? Well, I bet it's just a big old bore around here without me. I see.
Greenlee: Nothing to see.
Jake: Hmm.

[TV turns on]

Louise: Colin, don't leave me. I love you.
Colin: Louise, I love you, too.

Jake: Who watches this stuff?

Colin: But I can't make this work. And it's time to face the truth and get on with our lives.

[TV turns off]

Jake: That's what I say.
Greenlee: Excuse me, I'm watching a movie.
Jake: Greenlee -- you know, why don't you just tell me what's going on?
Greenlee: Nothing.
Jake: "Nothing." This place looks like a bomb went off in it, and you look like a bomb went off in you.
Greenlee: God, you are such a neatnik. I'll clean up, ok?
Jake: Forget about it. You were crying when I came in here.
Greenlee: At a movie.
Jake: At a bad movie about two people breaking up.
Greenlee: Jake, I cry at commercials if I have the urge. Just don't bug me.

[TV turns on]

Louise: How could you do this to me? How could you betray me --

[TV turns off]

Greenlee: Will you stop?
Jake: No, I'm not going to stop.
Greenlee: Well, just unpack your bags or something, Jake. Just leave me alone.
Jake: I live here.
Greenlee: Yeah, well, I house sat for you.
Jake: Did I ask you to house sit for me?
Greenlee: I did it as a favor.
Jake: Oh, you did it as a favor? Is this -- you don't even respect my property. Look at this place!
Greenlee: Look, I don't need this.
Jake: And I don't need to come home to my place looking like a disaster area, Greenlee.
Greenlee: Fine! I'll take care of it. Forgive me for wanting to take care of your house while you were away. I try to do something nice and I get this attitude? And if you didn't want me here, why didn't you just say so? Why didn't you just change the damn lock? Why didn't you just dump me like the rest of your gender, huh? God.
Jake: So why don't you tell me what Leo said this time.
Greenlee: Ugh.

Laura: Leo, it was awful and we both know it. And I don't think it was because I'm inexperienced, you know? I think -- I'm just not so full of energy, and my recovery, it's taking a really long time. And I feel self-conscious about my scar because it's -- it's gross and scary and I'm scared. And when we make love, I feel scared.
Leo: Laura, the doctor said that we don't have to feel scared.
Laura: But whenever I lie in bed next to you, my heart pounds. And for me right now, that's not a good thing because it makes me feel that I could break down. And I've got a new life and a new heart. But what if things fall apart? And what if it happens right in the middle of making love and then I die while you're holding me? And I'm scared. Leo, I'm so scared. I'm scared of loving you so much.

Adam: Answer me. Were you with my wife again in my own house?
Ryan: Yeah. Adam, you are some good detective, I tell you. Liza and I thought we had extra time, you know, before you got back, but, bummer.
Adam: How dare you.
Ryan: You know, I tried to have self-restraint, I really did, but I just couldn't seem to get a hold of it tonight. I don't know. Uh, Liza's still in the shower, Adam. You might want to let her, you know, get cleaned up -- you know, fix the bed, the room, recover.
Adam: You think I'm going to let this go, Ryan?
Ryan: What are you going to try and do, Adam, hit me again? Don't you remember last time when you tried to do that?
Adam: I don't think a fistfight is going to cover what I have in mind for you this time.
Ryan: Oh, that's right, you're going to destroy me. Yeah. You're going to try and ruin my life. Well, guess what -- it's a little too late for that, Adam, but -- ahem -- you know what? What the hell, go for it. It keeps me busy.
Adam: Get out of my house!
Ryan: And leave you alone with your wife? I don't think so.
Adam: Oh, you think you can keep me away from my own wife? Are you out of your mind? Get out!
Ryan: Ahem.
[Ryan hands Adam a envelope]

Liza's voice: "Dear Adam -- it's over. I'm taking Colby and we're leaving this house, this town, and you. Don't come after us. Liza."

Ryan: Bad news, Pops?

Paramedic: He's dead. But it wasn't a gunshot.
Tad: Yes! I mean -- see? Just like I told you.
Dixie: Actually, the whole thing was a very frightening experience. You see, nobody wanted anybody to die.
Officer: You say this man wanted you to die.
Tad: No, what my wife meant is that we didn't want him to die.
Dixie: That's right.
Tad: I know this -- this sounds ridiculous and the damn skirt isn't helping, right? But --
Officer: Who shot the gun?
Dixie and Tad: He did.
Tad: It was his gun. He had the gun on us. We struggled and I tried to get the drop on him, see?
Dixie: Right, right, and then the gun went off.
Tad: Boom. But, see, nobody was hit.
Dixie: Right. He just collapsed and was dead. Listen, I -- I'm telling you the truth. If you want, call the FBI. Really, I swear -- there's a phone over there and you can call them, and I have Tad's case number and I promise you they'll explain.
Tad: It was like a romantic weekend, you know? Wife and I have been going through some stuff, so we tried to reconnect. Hasn't anybody got a sense of humor around here? Look, it -- it's a joke. It's a joke. That's it. I bought the outfit to make my wife laugh.
Dixie: Ha-ha-ha.
Tad: Are you buying any of this? Say something! Nod! What?
Officer: Ma'am? Is your husband on medication?
Dixie: No.
Tad: I am not on medication! Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Officer: Well, there is something wrong with everything that's going on here, Sir.
Second officer: As there is a dead man on your carpet.
First officer: And a gun that has been discharged.
Tad: Oh, I see, I see. You guys think I'm guilty already. Is that it?
Dixie: Don't get upset, don't get upset.
Tad: What do you mean, "don't get upset"? This is ridiculous. I did not try to kill him. He keeled over.
Officer: After you tried to shoot him unsuccessfully.
Tad: No, he tried to shoot me! He tried to shoot me. The gun -- this is so wrong. This is just really bad, ok? I'm going to call the FBI on the phone. They'll come down --
Officer: Hold it, hold it --
Tad: Excuse me --
Dixie: Oh, Tad, don't. Don't, don't, don't --
Tad: Ow, ow!
Dixie: Don't hurt him.
Officer: I'm sorry, Ma'am. You are going to have to go with us down to the department.
Dixie: What do you mean, me? Where are you going with him?
Officer: Your husband needs a doctor.
Tad: I do not!
Officer: Whoa!
Tad: Whoa, whoa, whoa --
Dixie: Tad, don't, don't.
Tad: Take it easy, all right? I am not some kind of nut ball. Look at me. Do I look crazy? Huh? Huh?

Adam: My wife was leaving here in the middle of the night with my child and her suitcase, and you didn't ask her where she was going?
Winifred: Uh -- no.
Adam: Did you or any of my staff think to try to call me?
Winifred: I -- Sir, I --
Ryan: Isn't it a little obvious, Adam?
Adam: Keep your mouth shut.
Ryan: She didn't want to be contacted, so she didn't tell any of the people that you employ how to contact her. Seems pretty obvious to me. How about you, win?
Winifred: Yeah. I don't know.
Ryan: She wanted to be long gone before you found out, Adam.
Adam: Who's responsible for letting this man into my home?
Ryan: Winnie, I'll handle this one. Well, you see, Adam, I'd left Liza a lot of messages and she didn't return any of my calls, so I wanted to check it out for myself. And Winnie here told me that she'd taken off -- with your daughter, I might add -- so I just wanted to make sure. Ahem. You see, I was just doing exactly what you did. I was looking around your house, looking for any clues as to where Liza might have disappeared to, but I came up empty, too.
Adam: This is my business. It is my family. I want you to stay out of it.
Ryan: Actually, I'm -- I'm not in it.
Adam: Oh, yes. You're smack-dab in the middle of it. It happened because of you, Ryan.
Ryan: Oh, no, Adam. You see, you've got that all backwards. I happened because of what you did to your wife. You see, she wouldn't have looked at me twice if you hadn't destroyed every single thing that she believes in.
Adam: Yeah, you're right about that. Absolutely. She is using you to get back at me. But if you so much as touch her again, I'm going to kill you!

Liza: Adam, stop it! Now.
Adam: Thank God. You changed your mind.
Liza: Do you ever let anyone have a thought of their own?
Adam: Well, you're here, aren't you? You're here. You brought your -- where's Colby?
Liza: Some place safe.
Adam: Are you implying she isn't safe with me?
Liza: No. You really do think you have all the answers, don't you?
Ryan: Well, I'm glad you're all right, Liza. I was -- I was worried about you.
Adam: Do you really think she cares, Ryan?
Liza: Once again, you're wrong. Ryan, I'm fine. And I'm flattered that you were concerned about me.
Adam: Liza, is it possible for us to have a conversation -- a private conversation, please?
Ryan: Yeah, well, I'm out of here. I'll talk to you. And a word of advice.
Adam: From you?
Ryan: Don't be an idiot.

Adam: Liza, I'm sorry if I jumped all over you about Colby. It's -- I just -- it was your note. I found your note.
Liza: My note was pretty clear, I thought.
Adam: You didn't really plan on leaving town, did you? I've been trying to call you all day.
Liza: Why? What -- Adam: I was at the hospital.
Liza: Why?
Adam: With Mateo and Hayley. I'm a grandfather.
Liza: Oh. Adam, what did they have?
Adam: A boy. A perfectly, absolutely perfect boy.
Liza: They must be so happy. How's Hayley?
Adam: She's fine. She had a little trouble in labor. The baby's heart rate kept dropping for some reason. But he's fine now, and so is she.
Liza: I'm so happy for them.
Adam: I knew you would be. I couldn't stop thinking about you today. I -- I was hoping you'd be there when I held my grandson for the first time. So I came home here to try to find you, tell you in person. That's when I found your note. It almost killed me, Liza. Liza.
Liza: I was convinced while I was packing that I was doing the right thing. I just kept saying, "don't look back. Just never look back." I got to the airport. I had Colby in my arms. We were getting ready to board the plane. I sent the bags through. And as soon as it was our turn to board the plane, I realized I was making a terrible mistake. I don't want to make a terrible mistake I'm going to regret for the rest of my life. Do you understand?
Adam: Yes.
Liza: Do you? Really? Or do you think you know what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling, as usual?

Tad: Ow. Ow.
Dixie: Oh, don't hurt him. Be careful.
Tad: Ow. Listen, guys, I know you think you're doing me a favor here, but you're not. If I get called in on a psych evaluation and for some godforsaken reason I get committed, there's no way that my friend Chris Stamp can help us. And then of course there's my wife, who had absolutely nothing to do with the body on the floor.
Dixie: Honey, you are so making this worse right now.
Tad: How can it possibly get worse? Listen, Honey, you got to get out of here while you still can, ok? Please, just get in touch with Chris and the FBI and the CIA and whoever, and get them down --
Dixie: Oh!
Tad: Speak of the freaking devil.
Chris: More like your guardian angel. I'm Chris Stamp, FBI. These two men are with me. I'm here to take custody of this woman and this -- uh -- Hula Mama.

Greenlee: It's hot as hell.
Leo: It doesn't feel like hell.
Greenlee: What does it feel like to you?
Leo: Uh -- it feels like something strange.
Greenlee: Yeah. I think it feels strange, too. It's so damn hot.
Leo: You have to leave, Greenlee.
Greenlee: Leo --
Leo: Just -- you have to leave.
Greenlee: I'm going. I made a really wrong turn. See, Jake asked me to move in with him tonight. That's why I'm here like this. I went for a drive to think about it. And I'm going to do it.
Leo: Good. Be happy.
Greenlee: Oh, I will be. You know, Jake is everything I've ever wanted. Just like Laura is for you.

Adam: You already said you realized that it was a mistake to run away, Liza.
Liza: Well, it would have been.
Adam: Yes, because you know that we can make our lives work together. Isn't that what you meant?
Liza: No.
Adam: Then what do you mean?
Liza: If I had run away from you and our life -- creeping away in the middle of the night -- I would have done the one thing I swore I would stop doing.
Adam: And what is that?
Liza: That every action I have is a reaction from you, and I don't want that for me or for Colby or, frankly, for you. I married you because of who you were and what we had.
Adam: None of that has changed.
Liza: Oh, don't patronize me. Not one single thing is the same, except that you are still in control.
Adam: No, this is not a man who is in control. This is a man who's going to spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to you for what I've done. That's who I am.
Liza: No, it's not who you are. I mean, you can do more in one day than 10 men could do. But somehow you seem to stumble across a loss when it comes to items like trust, fidelity, honesty, integrity.
Adam: What happened with Judge Campobello will never happen again.
Liza: I don't care.
Adam: Yes, you do care you're furious because you care.
Liza: I'm furious because you trashed our marriage and our life and our love. And now you're just wondering -- you know, move on! Because that's what you want and because that's what you need. Well, you know what? Forget it!
Adam: I'm ready to do anything I can to make you forget it. I made a horrible mistake.
Liza: And now you just want to erase it, just like that. You know what's particularly awful about it, is that that's what you think I want, too.
Adam: All right, what is it you want? Come on, tell me now, right now. Please, please, tell me. What do you want? Tell me the truth, and I'll deal with it.

Chris: Thank you. All right, here's the drill.
Tad: Drill? I'll tell you the drill. These people think I'm a fruit bowl.
Chris: Really? What a surprise. Apparently, the coroner's already gone over the body once in the ambulance, and he's going to call it natural causes.
Tad: Oh.
Dixie: Oh, thank God.
Tad: Thank you.
Chris: Yeah, but they're still going to have to do an autopsy over on the mainland, though.
Tad: It happened just the way I told you, Chris, ok? The gun went off, the guy fell over. That was it.
Chris: Well, fortunately for you, the coroner and the captain over there have a very nice relationship. So whatever the coroner says, he's willing to live by.
Tad: So what are you saying? This whole thing is over?
Chris: I'm just letting you two, me, and the body -- we're all going home together.
Tad: Oh.
Dixie: That's great. That's so great.
Chris: Thank you. Thank you very much. Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. You didn't make nice with the local cops, I'm told.
Tad: They didn't make nice with me.
Chris: Yeah?
Tad: They were staring at me like I had a couple of heads.
Chris: Heard you had a couple of coconuts, too.
Tad: Har-dee-har. What fun it is to laugh.
Dixie: Chris, how did you know that we were in trouble down here?
Chris: Despite what your husband the Hula Mama thinks, I'm actually a pretty good agent. I've had a tail on Sweeney for two weeks. He turned tail on my tail, knocked him out at the airport, followed you two down here. I even think he was on the same plane as you two.
Dixie: You're kidding, right?
Chris: Nope. I think he thought he could get away with knocking you off down here.
Tad: Oh, he did. He was going to do it. I saw it in his eyes.
Dixie: Well, let's just say thank God that he waited until we were here. And thank you for showing up and clearing all this up.
Chris: Well, not exactly the long holiday weekend you two kids had planned, huh?
Tad: Not exactly. I'm sorry, Dix. I just don't think I'm going to be able to relax around here after what's happened.
Dixie: Oh, please. I'm with you. I mean, let's go home.
Tad: What's the point? I'm just going to have to go back into the hole in Pine Valley, back under lock and key at the hotel.
Chris: No, you won't. No more free lunches.
Tad: What's that supposed to mean?
Chris: Sweeney's dead. The immediate threat of danger is gone. But unfortunately, we don't know who's been getting those drugs into the town, so, just to play it on the safe side, we're going to keep a car at your house for the time being. You -- you're on your own.
Dixie: What about all the charges against Tad?
Chris: They'll be dropped by the time we get home.
Dixie: That's incredible!
Tad: That's great!
Chris: Uh-huh.
Tad: Listen, what about the case? Is there any update?
Chris: Oh, yeah. Did I leave that out? You stick your nose near my investigation, I cut it off. And I cut off your privileges with it. You hear me?
Dixie: Yes, he hears you. And, absolutely, don't cut off his privileges because they're very important, and I'll make sure that Tad doesn't do anything to get in the way of your investigation. Right, honey? Right?
Tad: Right.
Dixie: Ok.
Chris: Good. Why don't you go change out of your little ensemble, and I'll go confirm our travel plans, ok?

Dixie: I'm looking forward to getting back on that plane. Hmm? How about you? Shall we bring the handcuffs, hmm?

Agent: Chris, we're all set.
Chris: They sign the body over yet?
Agent: Yeah.
Chris: Ok, look, the minute we touch down stateside, you hit the ground running. I want that body in front of our coroner by tomorrow morning.
Agent: Ok, he's going to confirm that it was natural causes. Looks like a massive heart attack or a stroke.
Chris: Yeah, I wouldn't bet the farm on that. You'll lose.

Man: Well, what do you think of her?
Ryan: I think she's perfect. My kind of lady. Vic, this is all the money I got left in the world, and it's 100 short of what you're asking.
Vic: Ryan, I'm not cheap, but this bike is --
Ryan: I know, I know, I know. So I want you to take this. You sell that, you're going to have enough money left over for leather chaps and to still take your lady out for dinner.
Vic: What is this? Is this thing worth something?
Ryan: It is if you sell it. So what do you say? We got a deal, or what? That's what I'm talking about. All right, man, show me the keys.

[Engine starts]

Ryan: Oh, yeah.
Vic: You ever handled one of these babies before?
Ryan: Nope. But I'm a quick learner. Whoa!

[Ryan roars off on his new motorcycle]

Liza: What I want is for you to accept my decision and stop fighting me.
Adam: All right. What is your decision?
Liza: That you are an out-of-control control freak. And given that, I am still willing to live in this house with you.
Adam: You are?
Liza: On my terms.
Adam: Name them.
Liza: You concede every ounce of control you think you have over my life, and you have no say in how I raise my daughter.
Adam: Your daughter?
Liza: That's right.
Adam: All right. Now, let me get this straight. You're going to let me live here, you'll live here, and Colby will live here. But we won't be living together as --
Liza: Before, correct. I will not be sleeping with you again.
Adam: But you want to live with me.
Liza: I want to live here and have every advantage I've earned. And I want sole custody of Colby.
Adam: What?
Liza: You either agree to it or you don't. And if you fail or break the agreement, I leave, Colby leaves, and that's that forever. Any questions?

[Knock on door]

Greenlee: I'm about to say something that hasn't been heard from these lips maybe ever.
Jake: Really?
Greenlee: I'm sorry.
Jake: Forget it. It's over. Come on in.
Greenlee: I missed you.
Jake: Well, I missed you, too, for some strange reason. Did you catch a chill? You're shaking.
Greenlee: No, no, no. I just -- I was driving and I almost had an accident.
Jake: You what? What happened?
Greenlee: I don't know, I -- I almost crashed into a guy. I got away in time.
Jake: What?
Greenlee: Can I stay here?
Jake: Greenlee, I want you to stay here.
Greenlee: I can't live up there, Jake.
Jake: Ok.
Greenlee: It's like a war zone. I mean, there's nails, there's splinters, there's pipes that are exposed --
Jake: Greenlee, Greenlee, Greenlee. You can stay here for as long as you like.
Greenlee: Thank you so much.
Greenlee: That was nice.
Jake: You look exhausted. Really, I think we ought to get you back to bed. Looks like you're dressed for it, too. So whatever it is that was bothering you tonight with Leo, you can forget about it. I'm going to help you forget about it.

[Leo dreams]

Greenlee's voice: It's hot as hell.
Leo: Doesn't feel like hell.
Greenlee: What does it feel like?
Leo: It feels right.
Greenlee: Feels right to me, too.

Laura: Leo. Leo?
Laura: I saw you.
Leo: Uh, I was just -- I was just sleeping.
Laura: No. No, I saw you with her. I saw the way you looked at her.
Leo: Laura, don't do this.
Laura: No, you looked at her the way you never look at me, the way you never can. You looked like you wanted her.
Leo: Laura, you're wrong. Don't do this. Come on.
Laura: No, no. No more lying. No more.
Leo: Hey, what are you -- no, no, no. Hey, stop.
Laura: I can't do this. I can't. Just -- just go to her, Leo!
Leo: What?
Laura: Go now! Damn it, Leo, just go to Greenlee. Just go!


ON THE NEXT - - - - - ALL MY CHILDREN

Liza: You are a danger to me and to my daughter, and I can't let that happen.

Greenlee: Why do you want me if you know I still want Leo?

Laura: I'm asking you if you believe we can make it.